7 Levels of my Hell

 I'm done Colette. Seriously I hope you get what you earned. 

 I am the definition of failure. Fight as hard as you can until you have nothing left and whatever the outcome is your fault. I'm sorry Brub I'm sorry Abbi.

 So, this Blogger account is going to be used as my journal.  I plan on encouraging Collet to do the same instead of hand writing but seeing she prefers to hand write things I imagine I'll be doing it alone lol. To start at the beginning of this new beginning.... Collet and I met just before Valentines day 2020 and on Valentines Day we had our first kiss and instantly knew in our souls that we were destined for each other.  The following year we saw each other on one "vacation" in June and wasn't until the start of 2021 did we start talking again.   She was in PA completing rehab and I was a drunken mess once again.  I told her I needed her (a first for me to ask for help) and within a week I was picking her up to come home. Now, we both know what we felt, feel and currently feel and it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. We are BOTH are seriously mentally fucked people.  I don't think either one of us hid it. But our.... "issues...

 Brub, I FUCKING MISS YOU. PROVE THE WORLD I WAS RIGHT, YOU WILL CHANGE THIS WORLD.

 You stop talking to me for that... I am more than comfortable in nothing my sexuality say this have your ugly man. I really don't think I have anything left to say to you, your mistake not mine. Thank you for f****** me but other than that, bugh-bye.

 Collete, love, you were there you saw it I'm not f****** crazy. You were really the one for me. Thank you for the best sex of my life.

 Thomasina, yeah that's what I'm going to call you I'll always call you that. Why because that's your stripper name that you are so proud of. No matter how many filters you add to your life you're still not going to be 25 again. You took my baby from me you took the only f****** thing that when it boils down to it really matters. you're not proving anything to me because I've already beaten you so many f****** times that you can't stand it and then you realized oh my son is worth money. Stripper whore mentality... MUCH. I GAVE HIM THE ONLY STABLE HOME HE'S EVER KNOWN IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE. What are you willing to sacrifice for him Thomasina? Nothing because you think you really are God's gift to Earth. I want you to register the fact that you destroyed someone that is spent their entire life trying to make up for one stupid f****** mistake. He's my son not yours.you're the reason you're the entire f****** reason why he's f***** up an...

 How did things come to this. Why because of stupid f****** people. I miss you Robert I miss you Abb I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry Whether you realize it or not I've already set up trust funds to take care of you. I miss having dinner with both of you every night.

 Brub. (And I'm going to say this in all caps because that's how I fucking feel.) You have no fucking clue how much I miss you. So many things I wish to say to you. but the most that means everything to me is are you happy are you okay is Mom taking care of you? Are you doing good in school are you proving to the world how smart you are? 8 days. Once I had custody of you that was the longest I've gone without you. I went to the other side of the world and couldn't get you off of my mind the entire time I was there. I cut my vacation short it's not your fault I did it because I wanted to but I spent $900 to come back immediately to see you. I love you Brub, I hope one day I'm able to hug you again. 

 I keep dreaming of you.  I don't know what to say to you the day I get to see you again.

  Hello Sir, First of all, I want to start this conversation off on the right foot.  But honestly, have you EVER given me even a second to speak directly with you?  No sir, you have not.   Let me explain a little bit about me.   FIRST of all.  The only thing I care about in this entire universe is my kids.  NOTHING else.    To be honest I'm glad that someone is finally paid attention and is looking out for my son.   The previous Law Guardian really didn't care at the end because he asked to be recused because he didn't fucking care. Robert's mother was found guilty of neglect after Robert received 2nd degree burns on 60% of his body because his mother didn't care to apply sunscreen a few years ago.  I tan lovely, "mom" on the other hand is the example of white.  You've stated to the judge that you personally want to take a case against me.  I find that so hard to ...

 I am saying this. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I'm sorry babies. I wish I was a better father.

 Robert. I miss you so fucking much.  I know I failed you.  I know I lost control and became a drug addict scumbag.   I had ONE job.  I did it for a while until I became a worthless piece of shit.  'm so fucking sorry.  Things could have been different. It's my fault, everything is my fault.  I should have been better I should have shown you more.  PLEASE change the world for the positive. I love you 3,000   #provemewrong

 You gave me Hepatitis C.  If it's untreated  you die from it  You're the first person I've had sex with in well over 5 years.  I've never shared a needle with anyone, so you are absolutely the answer.  I already know your story.  You moved in with your BF and her boyfriend.  You wanted him that's where your 3-some relationship began.  I don't have a problem with that in fact I think that's the next step of human evolution.   THIS is where yo u're nothing but a.....yeah going to say it WHORE. You met me in  rehab  YOU asked me to come into the bathroom to kiss you.  Then moments later asked me go back and kiss you even harder. YOU'RE the one that crawled into my bed in rehab because you wanted me to hold you.   BOTH my kids mothers are fucking sociopaths, they truly are. But they've never asked me for the kind of love you requested.  When we met you were what, 110lbs.  You come here and you're at l...

 My baby, what's the dogs name?

 Today I attended the funeral of someone that was actually close to me that wasn't family (but it kinda was.)  JT was my brother.  It was different in so many aspects of any funeral I've ever attended and sufficient to say it was the "best" funeral I've ever attended.   I actually knew JT, the real  JT.  Regardless of his endless struggles he always did the right thing.  Sure he had a temper, sure he could be a dick at times but ultimately, when it came down to it he ALWAYS did the right thing.  The years I spent with him and Weese were some of the most influential experiences of my life. To be honest, he was the person that helped me "get some balls." Shit, he even made me stand up to someone that bullied me my entire childhood.  It was fucking perfect. JT, me and Tom B (and I think someone else) arrived to his house party in Minoa.  We're already high as fuck but were looking to have fun. We're there a couple of hours and I run in...

 I've waited fucking years to say this.  Tammy.  You're not hot.  You're cosmetic fake.  I fucked you because I hated you.  Seriously.  The only reason I put my dick in you is because i fucking hated you.      You gave me my boy and that's your only redeeming quality. I'm his mother and father.  I love him you don't.  You can't even understand love why, because you sell your body for money and trust me it's not worth it. Been there done that.  You're a fat, overweight wanna be 20 yo again stupid cunt.  You'll never ever be good looking again.  Men age with pristine women age with remorse. Get that through your head.  THE ONLY reason I fucked you is because I hated you and I could.  I didn't pay for the cow because her pussy was far too loose for my taste.  When you've sold your body for cash most of your life you end up looking like.......you. #truth :)

 I can't get over the fact that I lost you. I never got over losing your sister either. I knew Erin had connections to stop me from helping my daughter, your sister. Your mother had the sheriff's. The only thing I know for sure is I've created two of the most brilliant children that will ever existed. Told you brother I dreamed about you before you were even born. And you are everything I ever hoped for. I want you to change the world. I know I keep repeating myself but I hope it's eventually going to sink in.  I love and miss you babies.  YOU'RE the only fucking thing I'll EVER care about.  Robert & Abbi 143 for life.

WHY did I put my mother in charge of my assets??? The day before I left for China. Your mother created a "Last Will & Testament" for me  in case I didn't make it back. Remember, she worked for a law firm..... SHE wrote it up.  Left HER in charge of my finances if I were to perish overseas.    There were TWO copies of that document.  I had one (until I gave it to her boss and she got fired for committing multiple   FELONY crimes.)  I could have put her in prison for decades, but I didn't because you know I'm not that kind of person. Who do you think has the other??? YOUR mother.  So as it stands right now, legally, if I die this very moment your mother has the only legal document to everything I own..... Seeing as her intentions was to have me murdered or worse yet, wants to see me kill myself seeing as the only thing (other you and Abbi) I cared about was my name.  My life, as it was is over.  I lost you and your sister.  The ...

I'm so sick and tired of this mundane bullshit I have to live with. haven't seen my kids in years......FUCKING years. I can barely take care of myself and I really don't care to do better. What does anything matter?  THE entire point of my existence was to have children and have a happy family. I've lost that. So what the fuck should I do now? I really don't see a lot of  options at this point.  Yeah, I've got some money coming to me but what does it matter when I can't spend it on the people I want to? After I lost you Robert I started drinking really bad.  Yeah it was my fault but I'm just trying to tell you what happened so maybe you can try to understand. I started drinking like really really bad.  I've been to rehab like 30 times since.  Not just for alcohol.... I was so depressed and hated myself so much I started using heroin.  It was bad.  I honestly believe I did it so I could have an easy way out to "kill  myself."  But then ...