The Beginning of our Beginning

 So, this Blogger account is going to be used as my journal.  I plan on encouraging Collet to do the same instead of hand writing but seeing she prefers to hand write things I imagine I'll be doing it alone lol.

To start at the beginning of this new beginning....

Collet and I met just before Valentines day 2020 and on Valentines Day we had our first kiss and instantly knew in our souls that we were destined for each other.  The following year we saw each other on one "vacation" in June and wasn't until the start of 2021 did we start talking again.  

She was in PA completing rehab and I was a drunken mess once again.  I told her I needed her (a first for me to ask for help) and within a week I was picking her up to come home. Now, we both know what we felt, feel and currently feel and it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it.

We are BOTH are seriously mentally fucked people.  I don't think either one of us hid it. But our.... "issues" complement each other in a positive way.  We both felt and still do this overwhelming feeling of peace together. 

Collet first turned me onto the theory of Twin Flames and after spending some time reading about it regardless if I believe it's real or not by definition of a "true flame" I can tell you hands down it's us to a T!

We've spent the last 2 weeks together 24/7 and it's been.....eventful to say the least.  I won't go into detail but I believe it's best described as "a 40 year marriage in 14 days."  Which is so accurately true it's scary.  Point is, after the HELL we experienced we pushed through to such a higher understanding of love, commitment, life and what truly makes us happy.

We understand 3 key facts.  One, neither one of us can handle any drug in any moderation and therefor understand we are two people that cannot use anything (other than cigarettes, pot and caffeine) Two, we love each other so much it's worth it to give up using so we don't lose the other. And 3, when we're together life is 10x's more manageable and doesn't feel right without the other and enjoy doing "grownup shit" together.

That's why I asked Collet to marry me and she wholeheartedly said yes and we both want to do it ASAP in front of the Justice of the Peace because we want it for us, no other reason.  Then after things go back to somewhat normal we'll have an actual wedding for family/friends and a real honeymoon somewhere exotic and inspirational. 

I'm sad my children haven't even met Collet who's going to be their step-mother in a couple of weeks. But I know they'd both love her because she truly is amazing and my queen, my unicorn.  Someone's DREAM LOVE shouldn't exist and is more rare than winning the power ball.  

I've experienced more love, attention, caring, compassion, understanding and acceptance from Collet than I knew are emotions and feelings people are SUPPOSE to feel when in a relationship where you love someone.  I thought I knew what love is......pffft. What a joke.  I think I had a decent understanding of showing love it but never receiving it like this.  Together her and I can do anything and I'm so excited to see the adventures life takes us in our journey living it.

I fell in love with Collet almost instantly because I just knew that she "was the one" that I was going to spend the rest of my life with and sure enough she felt the same exact thing.  At this point I love Collet immensely but I still held back because I was not at a place mentally to love someone considering that I loathed myself and was crippled with guilt in failing to save/protect my children and not seeing them in years.

But this is the first time in 2+ years I've felt any positive emotion.  This is the first time in years I've felt I had a purpose.  When my children were conceived I knew it was "game over" for me and now it's grow the fuck up time.  I did.  I walked away from a lifestyle, friendships, and blissfully ignorantly loving life. I never felt a second of remorse or resentment because I knew that was my purpose to raise them to make a noticeable positive difference in the world and I've always felt and dreamed that I'd have kids one day to do just that. 

So I've been living but dead inside.  Going through the motions not really giving a shit.  Other than bills being maintained I accomplished nothing in the last 2 years other than a depleting bank account bleeding from vodka sales daily.  

Went to rehab in Binghamton and literally met my soulmate and shit changed real quick. Not only do I firmly believe that both of us are alive today because of the other we tragically know it's fact and that's part of the journey of us that has evolved us to where we are today.

I wish other relationships would take advice from us about how by connecting together  We've tore down every wall, confessed how we preconceive ourselves, admitted our known faults and emotional baggage and to go with that once in a lifetime gut instinct and heart reaction we instantly had for each other and despite nightmarish fears we surrendered completely to every emotion that's followed.

I never was fortunate to be apart of the birth of either of my children and really does bother the fuck out of me but at least I know I was apart of the birth of something almost as amazing, really throwing all fucks to the wind and going with what I knew I was suppose to do.  Collet I think feels there's even a higher connection we share and I'm sure I will agree because this shit is so unbelievably true and find myself deviously laughing out loud at just how bat-shit crazy the facts and feelings are, I love it :)
 
No, I don't live in a fairy-tale lol.  I don't think everything's perfect in life and love. I guess I just get it now about how love's suppose to work. Neither of us have experienced a relationship remotely close to this and it's the first time either of us want to actually live life and spend it with someone that makes you happy everyday you wake up with your arms around someone that makes you feel like you can accomplish anything and will support you 110% in any decision you make. 

I'm actually thankful of the women I've dated in the past.  I dated older women most my life because I didn't want to deal with your kids (if you even had any) and because I thought that older women "are who they are for good" and you don't have to worry about them still trying to find themselves. 

That concept is complete horseshit by the way.