7 Levels of my Hell

 Today I attended the funeral of someone that was actually close to me that wasn't family (but it kinda was.)  JT was my brother.  It was different in so many aspects of any funeral I've ever attended and sufficient to say it was the "best" funeral I've ever attended.   I actually knew JT, the real  JT.  Regardless of his endless struggles he always did the right thing.  Sure he had a temper, sure he could be a dick at times but ultimately, when it came down to it he ALWAYS did the right thing.  The years I spent with him and Weese were some of the most influential experiences of my life. To be honest, he was the person that helped me "get some balls." Shit, he even made me stand up to someone that bullied me my entire childhood.  It was fucking perfect. JT, me and Tom B (and I think someone else) arrived to his house party in Minoa.  We're already high as fuck but were looking to have fun. We're there a couple of hours and I run in...

 I've waited fucking years to say this.  Tammy.  You're not hot.  You're cosmetic fake.  I fucked you because I hated you.  Seriously.  The only reason I put my dick in you is because i fucking hated you.      You gave me my boy and that's your only redeeming quality. I'm his mother and father.  I love him you don't.  You can't even understand love why, because you sell your body for money and trust me it's not worth it. Been there done that.  You're a fat, overweight wanna be 20 yo again stupid cunt.  You'll never ever be good looking again.  Men age with pristine women age with remorse. Get that through your head.  THE ONLY reason I fucked you is because I hated you and I could.  I didn't pay for the cow because her pussy was far too loose for my taste.  When you've sold your body for cash most of your life you end up looking like.......you. #truth :)

 I can't get over the fact that I lost you. I never got over losing your sister either. I knew Erin had connections to stop me from helping my daughter, your sister. Your mother had the sheriff's. The only thing I know for sure is I've created two of the most brilliant children that will ever existed. Told you brother I dreamed about you before you were even born. And you are everything I ever hoped for. I want you to change the world. I know I keep repeating myself but I hope it's eventually going to sink in.  I love and miss you babies.  YOU'RE the only fucking thing I'll EVER care about.  Robert & Abbi 143 for life.

WHY did I put my mother in charge of my assets??? The day before I left for China. Your mother created a "Last Will & Testament" for me  in case I didn't make it back. Remember, she worked for a law firm..... SHE wrote it up.  Left HER in charge of my finances if I were to perish overseas.    There were TWO copies of that document.  I had one (until I gave it to her boss and she got fired for committing multiple   FELONY crimes.)  I could have put her in prison for decades, but I didn't because you know I'm not that kind of person. Who do you think has the other??? YOUR mother.  So as it stands right now, legally, if I die this very moment your mother has the only legal document to everything I own..... Seeing as her intentions was to have me murdered or worse yet, wants to see me kill myself seeing as the only thing (other you and Abbi) I cared about was my name.  My life, as it was is over.  I lost you and your sister.  The ...

I'm so sick and tired of this mundane bullshit I have to live with. haven't seen my kids in years......FUCKING years. I can barely take care of myself and I really don't care to do better. What does anything matter?  THE entire point of my existence was to have children and have a happy family. I've lost that. So what the fuck should I do now? I really don't see a lot of  options at this point.  Yeah, I've got some money coming to me but what does it matter when I can't spend it on the people I want to? After I lost you Robert I started drinking really bad.  Yeah it was my fault but I'm just trying to tell you what happened so maybe you can try to understand. I started drinking like really really bad.  I've been to rehab like 30 times since.  Not just for alcohol.... I was so depressed and hated myself so much I started using heroin.  It was bad.  I honestly believe I did it so I could have an easy way out to "kill  myself."  But then ...