7 Levels of my Hell

She's not dead and my biggest mistake was listening to a fucking quack.

OKAY, here we go. 3rd time's a charm. I woke up early, around 6:00 AM I'm dressed and out the door. Walked outside the hotel, backpack secured and smoking a cigarette while sitting on this decorative wall outside the hotel. I'm still trying to digest everything of why I was "called here" why I went through with it and what the HELL I'm supposed to do while I'm here.  It didn't take long before I got my first instinct that I follow. I saw adults driving their children in significant numbers to "somewhere" behind my giant hotel.  I became curious and finally decided to follow.  I first felt my reason for being in China was to teach English (TEFL) so I said screw it, see where it takes me as for the first time in my life I'm not taking a throughout detailed plan or using extreme caution in my decision making.  This entire "experience" I said "fuck it" lets see what happens. Behind my hotel was an entire village ma...

Originally, I had written about this day in chronological order after my 1st post in China.  But I ended up deleting it after only a couple of days.  I felt it was so emotionally moving to me that not only I failed to describe what I felt but also that I didn't have a right to attempt to explain it. This is my 2nd attempt to do just that. When I woke up the following day after arriving in China, Pudong New Providence it was early.  Before 6:20 AM I've already left my room, and am sitting outside the hotel (which is MASSIVE) smoking a cigarette trying to decide what my actual plan is since I've only came here because I felt I was suppose to. I've bought items from China for over 3 years.  I've became aware of their market, "how things work" and the chain of business that exists to get the best prices. If you're curious: "Stocks@Yiwu" > Yiwu Trade Market > Alibaba > Taobao > Aliexpress > Walmart THAT is the "foo...

Ever since the first week of buying my house back in 2012 this guy was a problem. He constantly complained about my two pine trees that border our properties  Every time I was outside I was at least "informed" that he didn't like the cones/needles that fall.  All while himself having a giant pine tree that completely destroys the other side of his yard's driveway, cars, everything.  Their entire yard is tattoo'd with debris from HIS tree, but that never seemed to concern him even after pointing it out on the 50th time it was brought to my attention. When I first bought the house a police officer was remodeling the Western house to flip and decided to just live there for awhile so we became pretty good friends and was also witness to this guy constantly harassing me about the trees. It got to the point that I had enough, and I'm proud that I had enough self control for as long as I did. Well after that, this guy was on a mission from 'Nam to eradicate...

My sons therapist I also see for advice and direction how to help him told me "You have to treat the loss of your daughter as though she died until she comes home." It wasn't until the 3rd or 4th day in China, in Yiwu did I accept this because I found a place of immense beauty that was some sort of shrine or self-reflection spot.  It had a lot of greenery, flowers, a pond that's filled with Koi and a bridge that travels over it to admire them. This is where I decided to say goodbye to Abbi. I sat for a good while struggling to walk away from this spot knowing I've left half of my still functional heart and soul here at a place I'll most likely never find again even with infinite time and resources. I couldn't leave, wouldn't leave until I decided that I was going to join my love, my Supergirl and that's when Christopher died and Kiso was born. On a side note I found a fitting dumpster to lay to rest M & N and it took every ounce of m...

My second night in Shanghai in Pudong I spent that entire evening (and the rest of my visit) with Dave and Shirley.  Dave gave me a "blanket" of a fatherly figure I never experienced before.  He had this overwhelming.....call it duty, to take care of me and everything regarding me just as he's doing with his very quiet son. At the same time I had Shirley, "Miss Tiger Mom," constantly slowing her pace to make sure I'm keeping up and not stranded or left behind.   Reassuring me that "if" we're separated what to do for each "hub" of the massive connecting subway system or when we're walking the endless miles to burn off the meal she's always dropping back from leader to keep pace with me, pushing me to keep going. I feel no choice but to continue ignoring the overwhelming urge to throw myself in front of one of the million cars going back and forth every hour because I'm just so fucking exhausted and don't know how mu...

This night felt as the most important since my arrival in China.  I've been in a fog since I've returned each time I try to think about everything that happened, how it happened and the course of events that led me to embark to the other side of the Earth in search of something unknown other than an unrelenting urge. Whatever Joe Pesci or the Universe was trying to tell me definitely made it's point because had I not taken this trip I could have never became the man I am today. We take a short walk to a restaurant that's considered hot according to WeChat so in the lobby one of their friends takes the stroll with us. He's Chinese and speaks exceptionally well English and Arabic.  He's just going back and forth like a ping-pong ball with Dave and Shirley in their respective languages like it's second nature. To have the mental ability to speak 3 languages is something I think even the most brilliant admit it's no easy task to learn an additional on...